Offended?

It can take less than a second for the word to hit your eardrum and your anger rise.  A single word or look can trigger your outrage.  You've been offended, and it's made you upset.

We all get offended.  Granted, we don't all get offended by the same things.  What offends you may not offend me, and what offends me may not offend you.  Some people just have laid-back personalities and their feathers just don't get ruffled easily.  Others are more sensitive, and pick up on subtle jabs that feel like knives.

It occurred to me one day that given our media (and social media) consumption, given the number of interactions we have with people in person (less so in a Covid-19 world), online, in social media, etc., we run into things that could offend us...all day long.  Nearly every minute of every day we could be offended.  There's always something to be offended by.  And nearly everything that's spoken can be offensive to someone.

I have known some people who have made being offended into very nearly an art form.  Everything is received by them as offensive.  The way people dress.  The way they act.  The things they say.  Their beliefs.  Small things have become big things.  Big things have become matters of life-or-death.

I want to challenge you on this.  I want to invite you (if you're not already there) into a world of...lesser offense.

What I've seen from people who are regularly and deeply offended is that...they're generally not happy.  How can you be happy when you are constantly being offended to the point of being upset?  How can you be happy if you're angry all the time?  It's not possible.  The more we allow ourselves to be offended, the more angry a person we will be, and people who are angry constantly cannot be simultaneously happy.

Unsurprisingly, the Bible speaks to the issue of offense.  People thousands of years ago got offended too; this is nothing new.  In Matthew 15, Jesus had an encounter with his usual foils - the Pharisees.  He said something that bothered them.  In verses 10-12 we read, "And he called the people to him and said to them, “Hear and understand: it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.” Then the disciples came and said to him, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?”"

They were offended at his saying.  People then got offended just like we get offended now.  Someone says something that bothers us, hits us the wrong way, makes us uncomfortable.  Sometimes the thing that's said is meant to offend.  Other times it's not.  But offense happens.

Here's some Biblical wisdom in the area of offense:  "Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others." (Ecclesiastes 7:21-22)  What is this about?  Well, Solomon is pointing out that we've all said offensive things to others at various points, and so we ought to be gracious when people say offensive things to us.  Don't take it to heart when someone is saying something that bothers you.  I'll give two examples (one on each side of the equation).

If someone says, "I don't see color", what they normally mean by that is that they don't judge people by their ethnicity.  They are trying to treat people equally and judge them by what they do, not by their skin color.  That's what they usually mean.  It's not meant to be offensive.  It's meant to reflect what they understand Martin Luther King Jr's words when he talked about not judging a person by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.  They mean well, generally, when they use this phrase.  Later we'll discuss why this phrase ought to be avoided, but for the moment just know that when that phrase is used, it's usually not meant to be offensive.

On the other hand, we are now seeing a phrase used regularly:  "defund the police".  To many people this is offensive, because it feels like it's supporting anarchy, wanting to get rid of police departments.  But normally when a person says this, they're not meaning "eliminate police"; they mean "shift funding and responsibilities around to make the system work better".  And they may mean "demilitarizing the police".  Either way, the one being offended by this might be well-served by finding out what someone means by it, rather than simply being offended.

So don't take everything people say to heart.  Don't take everything personally.  It's likely they didn't mean to offend.  People can be jerks, but generally speaking, people aren't looking to go around offending others.  We live in a diverse culture, and people are going to say things we disagree with - sometimes strongly.  PZ Myers said, "It's not a crime to offend others; in fact, it's pretty much a natural consequence of having diverse cultures. We live in a world full of people with different backgrounds, interests, and values, and we must learn to accept that there will be clashes. As long as the differences do no harm, we should back off and accept them."

Here's how the Bible suggests we deal with offense.

- Proverbs 19:11 - "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense."

- Proverbs 12:16 - "The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult."

It is to a person's credit to overlook an offense, whether it is intended or not.  Being offended only really hurts us as the offended party.  We are aggrieved when we are offended.  And in the off chance that the person is intending to harm us with their words, when we get offended and upset, we give that person a victory.  If we let it get to us, they've won.

The Bible tells us that it's best if we are less offended.  As I said in the beginning, there's always something being said or done around us that can offend us if we let it.  But if we choose to ignore or overlook it, we will be better off.

Now, let's look at the other side of the equation.  It isn't good to offend others.  Sometimes speaking truth itself will be offensive.  We ought not avoid speaking truth simply because we fear offending someone.  But the manner in which we say it...well, that's another thing.  We can speak hard truth in a gracious way, which will lessen the chance of it being offensive.  The Bible makes it clear we ought to give no reason to offend others.

1 Corinthians 10:32-33 says, "Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved."  Paul isn't afraid of the gospel itself being offensive, but he doesn't want to personally offend people by the way he speaks or acts.  If you think about it, this principle holds whether you're talking about the gospel or just trying to get another message across.

In a classic model of communication, there is something called interference that can get in the way of effective communication.  Interference is anything that prevents the message from being understood (which is the goal of communication, after all).  One way we can create tons of interference is by being offensive.  We can be offensive in the way we conduct ourselves, in the way we speak (ever reject a message from someone simply because they're condescending?), or in our attitudes.  The Bible tells us in Colossians 4:6, "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."  Be gracious, not harsh, in our communication.  Seek to be understood.  Eliminate needless interference.

This brings us back to the phrase "I don't see color".  I said we'd talk about why it's best to not use that phrase.  I stand by my point that most people don't mean anything bad by it, and in fact mean something good by it, and so getting offended by it isn't helpful.  However, understand that for people of color, the phrase is often very offensive, because it communicates that they are not seen for who they are.  If you don't see someone's skin color, you're not actually seeing them as people.  It's gravely offensive to effectively say to someone, "I am wiping away the very skin color God gave you."

So if we mean to tell people we think their ethnicity isn't a God-given part of who they are, then by all means, use the phrase.  But if we are trying to say, "I don't judge a person by their skin color, but by their character and actions," and if we really do want to affirm them as people living in the skin God gave them, then using the phrase "I don't see color" is creating needless interference.  Find another way to communicate what you mean.

I want to end by saying that it's not my purpose to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't be offended by.  But we'd all be better off individually and collectively if we were, on the whole, less offended, especially when we're talking about mere disagreements.  It's bad for your soul and for your   happiness to be more offended rather than less.

This doesn't mean there aren't things to legitimately be offended by.  Or even things that we know can be offensive - even if not to us, perhaps to others.  And so there's nothing wrong with pointing out to someone that "I don't see color" can be offensive, so maybe it's better to not use that phrase.  But we can point this out without personally being put out.

To quote the late atheist philosopher Christopher Hitchens:  "Those who are determined to be ‘offended’ will discover a provocation somewhere. We cannot possibly adjust enough to please the fanatics, and it is degrading to make the attempt."

To end, I'd encourage you to watch this comedian discuss being offended.  A little of the language is NSFW, and if that, uh, offends you, it's best if you don't watch.  But if you can tolerate a couple of bad words, this is worth a laugh.  And couldn't we all use a little humor these days?