Offended?

It can take less than a second for the word to hit your eardrum and your anger rise.  A single word or look can trigger your outrage.  You've been offended, and it's made you upset.

We all get offended.  Granted, we don't all get offended by the same things.  What offends you may not offend me, and what offends me may not offend you.  Some people just have laid-back personalities and their feathers just don't get ruffled easily.  Others are more sensitive, and pick up on subtle jabs that feel like knives.

It occurred to me one day that given our media (and social media) consumption, given the number of interactions we have with people in person (less so in a Covid-19 world), online, in social media, etc., we run into things that could offend us...all day long.  Nearly every minute of every day we could be offended.  There's always something to be offended by.  And nearly everything that's spoken can be offensive to someone.

I have known some people who have made being offended into very nearly an art form.  Everything is received by them as offensive.  The way people dress.  The way they act.  The things they say.  Their beliefs.  Small things have become big things.  Big things have become matters of life-or-death.

I want to challenge you on this.  I want to invite you (if you're not already there) into a world of...lesser offense.

What I've seen from people who are regularly and deeply offended is that...they're generally not happy.  How can you be happy when you are constantly being offended to the point of being upset?  How can you be happy if you're angry all the time?  It's not possible.  The more we allow ourselves to be offended, the more angry a person we will be, and people who are angry constantly cannot be simultaneously happy.

Unsurprisingly, the Bible speaks to the issue of offense.  People thousands of years ago got offended too; this is nothing new.  In Matthew 15, Jesus had an encounter with his usual foils - the Pharisees.  He said something that bothered them.  In verses 10-12 we read, "And he called the people to him and said to them, “Hear and understand: it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.” Then the disciples came and said to him, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?”"

They were offended at his saying.  People then got offended just like we get offended now.  Someone says something that bothers us, hits us the wrong way, makes us uncomfortable.  Sometimes the thing that's said is meant to offend.  Other times it's not.  But offense happens.

Here's some Biblical wisdom in the area of offense:  "Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others." (Ecclesiastes 7:21-22)  What is this about?  Well, Solomon is pointing out that we've all said offensive things to others at various points, and so we ought to be gracious when people say offensive things to us.  Don't take it to heart when someone is saying something that bothers you.  I'll give two examples (one on each side of the equation).

If someone says, "I don't see color", what they normally mean by that is that they don't judge people by their ethnicity.  They are trying to treat people equally and judge them by what they do, not by their skin color.  That's what they usually mean.  It's not meant to be offensive.  It's meant to reflect what they understand Martin Luther King Jr's words when he talked about not judging a person by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.  They mean well, generally, when they use this phrase.  Later we'll discuss why this phrase ought to be avoided, but for the moment just know that when that phrase is used, it's usually not meant to be offensive.

On the other hand, we are now seeing a phrase used regularly:  "defund the police".  To many people this is offensive, because it feels like it's supporting anarchy, wanting to get rid of police departments.  But normally when a person says this, they're not meaning "eliminate police"; they mean "shift funding and responsibilities around to make the system work better".  And they may mean "demilitarizing the police".  Either way, the one being offended by this might be well-served by finding out what someone means by it, rather than simply being offended.

So don't take everything people say to heart.  Don't take everything personally.  It's likely they didn't mean to offend.  People can be jerks, but generally speaking, people aren't looking to go around offending others.  We live in a diverse culture, and people are going to say things we disagree with - sometimes strongly.  PZ Myers said, "It's not a crime to offend others; in fact, it's pretty much a natural consequence of having diverse cultures. We live in a world full of people with different backgrounds, interests, and values, and we must learn to accept that there will be clashes. As long as the differences do no harm, we should back off and accept them."

Here's how the Bible suggests we deal with offense.

- Proverbs 19:11 - "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense."

- Proverbs 12:16 - "The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult."

It is to a person's credit to overlook an offense, whether it is intended or not.  Being offended only really hurts us as the offended party.  We are aggrieved when we are offended.  And in the off chance that the person is intending to harm us with their words, when we get offended and upset, we give that person a victory.  If we let it get to us, they've won.

The Bible tells us that it's best if we are less offended.  As I said in the beginning, there's always something being said or done around us that can offend us if we let it.  But if we choose to ignore or overlook it, we will be better off.

Now, let's look at the other side of the equation.  It isn't good to offend others.  Sometimes speaking truth itself will be offensive.  We ought not avoid speaking truth simply because we fear offending someone.  But the manner in which we say it...well, that's another thing.  We can speak hard truth in a gracious way, which will lessen the chance of it being offensive.  The Bible makes it clear we ought to give no reason to offend others.

1 Corinthians 10:32-33 says, "Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved."  Paul isn't afraid of the gospel itself being offensive, but he doesn't want to personally offend people by the way he speaks or acts.  If you think about it, this principle holds whether you're talking about the gospel or just trying to get another message across.

In a classic model of communication, there is something called interference that can get in the way of effective communication.  Interference is anything that prevents the message from being understood (which is the goal of communication, after all).  One way we can create tons of interference is by being offensive.  We can be offensive in the way we conduct ourselves, in the way we speak (ever reject a message from someone simply because they're condescending?), or in our attitudes.  The Bible tells us in Colossians 4:6, "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."  Be gracious, not harsh, in our communication.  Seek to be understood.  Eliminate needless interference.

This brings us back to the phrase "I don't see color".  I said we'd talk about why it's best to not use that phrase.  I stand by my point that most people don't mean anything bad by it, and in fact mean something good by it, and so getting offended by it isn't helpful.  However, understand that for people of color, the phrase is often very offensive, because it communicates that they are not seen for who they are.  If you don't see someone's skin color, you're not actually seeing them as people.  It's gravely offensive to effectively say to someone, "I am wiping away the very skin color God gave you."

So if we mean to tell people we think their ethnicity isn't a God-given part of who they are, then by all means, use the phrase.  But if we are trying to say, "I don't judge a person by their skin color, but by their character and actions," and if we really do want to affirm them as people living in the skin God gave them, then using the phrase "I don't see color" is creating needless interference.  Find another way to communicate what you mean.

I want to end by saying that it's not my purpose to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't be offended by.  But we'd all be better off individually and collectively if we were, on the whole, less offended, especially when we're talking about mere disagreements.  It's bad for your soul and for your   happiness to be more offended rather than less.

This doesn't mean there aren't things to legitimately be offended by.  Or even things that we know can be offensive - even if not to us, perhaps to others.  And so there's nothing wrong with pointing out to someone that "I don't see color" can be offensive, so maybe it's better to not use that phrase.  But we can point this out without personally being put out.

To quote the late atheist philosopher Christopher Hitchens:  "Those who are determined to be ‘offended’ will discover a provocation somewhere. We cannot possibly adjust enough to please the fanatics, and it is degrading to make the attempt."

To end, I'd encourage you to watch this comedian discuss being offended.  A little of the language is NSFW, and if that, uh, offends you, it's best if you don't watch.  But if you can tolerate a couple of bad words, this is worth a laugh.  And couldn't we all use a little humor these days?

Power, Responsibility, and Abuse

A police officer's knee, driving down into the neck of a helpless man, lying on his chest, hands cuffed behind him.  The man, George Floyd, was being arrested for a minor incident, and was not resisting that arrest.  He complied with the officer, but Derek Chauvin, a 19-year veteran of the police force, put his weight down on Floyd's neck.  Floyd cried out for help, saying, "I can't breathe."  Eventually, Chauvin's actions killed Floyd.

What happened here?

I am not writing this to deconstruct this specific incident, nor to speak on the issue of racism per se.  What I want to talk about here is the issue of power.  Chauvin had power over Floyd.  From a legal standpoint, he was the law enforcement officer and Floyd was the arrested suspect.  Floyd had to obey Chauvin.  From a physical standpoint, Chauvin was upright, free with his movements, and carried weapons.  Floyd was on his chest, hands tied behind his back, and utterly powerless.  From an interpersonal standpoint, Floyd was by himself, but Chauvin had other officers there as backup - strength in numbers.

Everything about the situation gave power to Chauvin, and none to Floyd.  This isn't me saying Floyd shouldn't have been arrested - it appears he broke a law, and the officers had a job to do.  This is about what happened once they arrested Floyd, who did not, by any account, appear to be a threat to the officers, and his alleged crime was completely nonviolent.  This is about the power dynamics at play.

Years ago, my wife and I were driving through Syracuse, NY, at night.  The streets were largely empty.  We came to a stoplight and it was red, so naturally I stopped the car at the white line.  No other cars were at any other spot in the intersection, but the light was red, so....we stopped.  Behind us rolled a police car.  The officer waited five seconds and the light stayed red.  He was in no hurry.  But suddenly he turned his police lights on.  I really had nowhere to go, but I pulled over a little.  He went by us, drove through the intersection, and once clear, shut his lights off and kept going.  He was not headed to a call.  He was cruising at 20 miles an hour.  

He simply didn't want to wait for the light to turn green.  Period.  And because he didn't feel like waiting, he used his power (the power of being a police officer in a police car) and did what he felt like doing, even though what he did was wrong.

Now this obviously isn't nearly as serious as what Chauvin did to Floyd.  But it still stems from the same root - abuse of power.  In both cases, a police officer - someone who is sworn to *uphold* and enforce the law - broke the law, simply because they could.  

In the case of Chauvin and Floyd, look, let's be honest.  Police officers have a difficult job.  Many of them spend day after day in crime-ridden areas, and every day they risk their lives to keep others safe.  Sometimes in these police shootings we've read so much about, I can understand why they happened (it's not good that they happened, but I can understand how they happened and why), because officers never know when they themselves are going to be in danger.  Tense situations involving potentially dangerous people sometimes lead to bad things happening.  I get it.  

This was not that.  

This was a person suspected of a totally non-violent crime, who did not resist arrest, and who complied with whatever the officers told him to do.  And yet Chauvin killed him anyway.  Just absolutely horrific in every way imaginable.  I am not sure Chauvin meant to kill him.  I'm not sure he did it thinking, "he's black, so I can do this".  I have no idea.  That would be ascribing to him the worst of all possible motives.  But what IS clear is that he abused his power.  

Power dynamics exist everywhere in the world.  There are hierarchies in nature in animal groups.  In human society, even if there was total anarchy, there would still be power dynamics, where some people hold power over others.  This power can take the form of physical strength or strength in numbers or by position of authority, or some combination of all that.

Bullying in schools is about power.  One kid trying to assert power over another.  Sometimes that kid has backup - his or her friends get involved and now the kid being bullied is outnumbered five to one.  

Power dynamics exist in the home, in the office, in sports, in government, in hospitals, in churches...everywhere.  As Peter Parker's uncle said, "With great power comes great responsibility."  The more power we have over someone, the more responsible we should be with it.

And to be clear, the riots that are happening in Minneapolis in angry response to Floyd's death are also an example of power dynamics at work.  The rioters far outnumber the police, and they're running roughshod over the neighborhoods.  It's become a mob mentality.  Videos shot by people doing the looting show people rushing into Target and stealing electronics.  Why are they doing this? They're doing this because they can, and because nobody has the power to stop them.  In this moment, the rioters have the power, and they are using it - and, frankly, abusing it.  Wherever and whenever someone has power over another, the possibility exists for abuse of that power.

A husband has physical strength and power over his wife, so he abuses her.  A boss has authority (power) over her subordinate and belittles her workers.  A parent has both physical power and authoritative power over his children and mistreats them, knowing they can't do anything about it.  A pastor has power over his church, and abuses his congregation's trust.  A kid in school has a group of friends and they have power over the poor kid with few friends, and they bully him.  A white woman in central park - who's supposed to have her dog leashed and is asked to by a black man who is bird-watching, of all things - threatens to call the cops.  She tells him, "I'm going to call the cops and say that an African-American man is threatening my life."  And she does, her voice in hysterics.  Her power was because she was white and he was black, and that was that.

There is power everywhere, and wherever there's power, there's the opportunity to use that power wisely and responsibly, or to abuse it and take advantage of it.

In the movie "First Knight", Guinevere, played by Julia Ormond, is set to marry King Arthur.  She explains, admiringly, that Arthur "wears his power so lightly".  The idea is that he is the king and everyone knows it, but he doesn't use that power to belittle others, bully others, run roughshod over others.  He doesn't use his power for personal gain, he doesn't use it to control people or to manipulate them.  He uses his power for the good, seeking the betterment of everyone.  

Power structures necessarily exist, and they're GOOD things.  It's impossible to live in a world where everyone has equal power.  The mere existence of physical strength differences means that some people are going to have physical power over others.  It's reality and that's never changing.  In Christian thinking, God has power of life and death.  It's ok that some people have more power than others.  What's not ok - what's never ok - is when that power is abused instead of used responsibly.  

We can think of this in individual situations or in the much larger picture of cultural power.  No matter what level (ground level or 50,000 foot level or anything in-between) we look at it, power dynamics exist and they're real.  People with power have a responsibility to use it wisely.

Not long ago one of my kids was on a team where the captains of the team thought that by virtue of being captains, they could tell everyone else what to do.  They themselves didn't do any of the work; they just bossed everyone else around.  "We're captains," was their claim.  They were using their captaincy as power over others, and clearly they abused it.  One of my other kids had a coach once that belittled certain kids on the team.  He could get away with it because he was the head coach.  He had the power.  

To lead is to serve.  To have power is to use it responsibly.  We could all stand to consider what we do with the power we have.  How well do we use it?  Do we use it to serve and better others, or to further empower and enrich ourselves?  

And in situations where you feel powerless, what then?  Do you seek power?  Why do you seek power?  What would you do with that power?  Last night on the news I saw a man in the riot yelling into the camera that "We can f***ing do what we want because there's more of us than there are of you!"  Maybe for the first time in his life he felt like he had power and control.  But what was he doing with it?  Smashing a window and looting a store.  So the first moment he got to have power, he abused it.  

There are so many other issues at play in the Floyd tragedy - social justice, racism, socio-economic inequalities.  But power is one of them.  Think about your power relationships and situations.  How do you use the power you have?  Do you want to be like the police officer who went through a red light just because he could?  Or do you want to be like King Arthur who wears his power lightly, using it for the betterment of others?